One Family Journal

Bringing Family Memories Together

Marriage Agreement: Communication, Respect and Understanding

35 years ago, when my husband and I started our lives together, I brought up one major issue I saw all around.  I told him that I like to make sure we won't have that issue, at lease, eliminate it as much as possible.

I noticed then and still do, that people argue or fight because of the lack of communication, respect and/or misunderstanding.

So, I said to him 35 years ago, in order for us to be able to survive a life long relationship together, we must have all three of these ingredients all the time.  So he agreed. 

Somehow, throughout time and space, these three very important ingredients of a successful and happy marriage (to me) was started to miss out sometimes.

Needless to say, like any married couple, we fight every now and then.  Oftentimes, we bring up the three ingredients of a happy and successful marriage and he would roll back to one or all three of the ingredients.

As the years go by, it is lacking more and more of one or all three ingredients, and of course, we argue more.

However, whenever I bring back the moments and mention the time when we both agreed to "communication, respect and understanding" for each other, we would bounce back.   Only a few small times didn't work.


Well, as I was typing this blog, knock-knock on my office room door (yes, I'm taking a big risk of having my office home again and letting go my 4-year old office at an executive suites.  Long story, all good though, another blog...).  It was my husband. 

"What?" I asked

"Food!" He replied.  "Your favorite!" He continued.

He knew I was p.o.  I wasn't going to get up, but then... what's the point of me typing the above?  Gotta practice what I preach or perhaps, I'm trying to remind myself of the three ingredients, or our promise to each other: Communicate, Respect and Understanding.

Give it a try.  It works.  it really does work, at least for us, sometimes... most of the many times we disagree on silly things.

Lastly, when in doubt, like we did 20 years ago, we promise to do rock, scissors, shoots and whoever wins, have to accept the other's.  This went on for a while until one of us disregard it.

The point is, over a long time of a life time together, if you do plan to live with each other for the rest of  your lives, you must make sacrifices, sometimes you win, sometimes you don't and that is okay. 

If you wish to live the rest of your lives together, then learn to make ways to work it out with each others.  Like he just did right now.  Not sure if he thinks he was right or wrong. But one thing for sure, he did make me my favorite dish and I'm not going to refuse that.

So, what is Communication, Respect and Understanding.... This is what I told him 35 years ago and kept it up for a long time.

Communicate - Anything and all things that are related to communication.  For example, if he is doing something that bothers me, I need to let him know.  Vise versa, if I'm doing something that bothers him, he will communicate that to me.  Although we like it or not, we listen to one another, who is trying to convey and communicate what is bothering us.  And here's where Respect comes in to picture.

Respect - respect one another.  Respect the wishes and desires of the other person on what he or she likes for him or herself.  For example, if I like pink and went shopping for some pink shoes.  When I'm happily jumping up and down to show off my new pink shoes, don't go "yak, eel... what is that... why you buy that for..." and so on and on.  It breaks my heart when that happens.  Likewise, when he comes home and said, "I just spend $3,000 on an antique gun at the pawn shop!"  He was very happy about it. It is definitely not something within my interest or care for, but my answer to him was, "Aw!  Cool What is it?" and genuinely show interest and listen. And the list of respect goes on and on.

Understanding - big one, most of the fight I noticed all around me are from a simple misunderstanding. Then there, lost respect and stopped talking to each other.  We must, I told him 35 years ago, try to think and understand the other person.

And so, we move on for 35 years.  Not always work.  But when it does, it is awesome and peaceful, very peaceful.